As the movie came to an end and the credits rolled in, something changed. My whole demeanour moved, I was all hot, lustred and bothered and I just had this gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. It didn’t take time to figure out what it was though,
I needed to write and I needed to do it fast!
I picked up my pen and decided to let my heart bleed out unto the pages; I was writing my very first letter to love although I’m positive it won’t be my last.
It’s me; Tovia, remember me?
I’m sure you do, it’ll be hard to forget the girl who wailed and called out for you every other night for months. Although I’ve called on you countless times, it’s my first time writing to you. I’ve heard about you, your escapades my entire life and also how you’ve made and marred many. I must say love, I’m impressed with the power you hold over us all.
All my life, you’ve been so close yet so far away from me. As a young child, I searched for you in the face of my mother while she lashed down heavy strokes on me after breaking her favourite chinaware but you were long gone. You abandoned me, why love? I thought we were friends but I should’ve known better for you were friends with no one.
As a teenager,
I watched as boys and girls my age laughed, cried, and did everything in between, all in your name. Love, do you know your name has been misused and your values misplaced? I’m sure you do. I watched how you made people retreat into their shells because of you, some got burnt badly while seeking for you; how could something so sweet be so bitter?
I stood in the side lines as people wearing long faces desperately tried to find you, you were sought for in the big and small things, in the faces of friends and strangers. Lips connecting, fingers brushing, exchanging notes, smiles and body heat to no avail, so I wore my hoodie age and as your friend time passed, I continued my search.
A boy once told me I found you and wanted to share, my joy knew no bounds. Too excited, I dove in head first not pausing to think of the consequences. Why didn’t you warn me love? As I watched him talk about you, try to imitate you and share bits and pieces of what was meant to be you with me, I got confused.
Confusion and excitement ran through my veins. Excitement because my search was finally over and confusion because I wasn’t sure what part of you I found; friendship, companionship, intimacy? I just couldn’t tell, why love do you wear so many hats? The more I tried to understand you, the more your friend time passed alongside my brown eyed boy. I was left again to feel your not so distant cousin pain.
So love, tell me what did I do wrong; did I wear too much or too little, was my laugh too subtle or too loud or perhaps did I talk too much or was I too silent?? Then again,, it took your friend time to help me see that what I had with brown eyed boy was your evil twin lust and so with a heavy heart, I accepted my fate and moved on, promising to stop seeking for something that doesn’t exist.
Yes love, you seized to exist to me.
Time passed and I no longer sought for you, I had stopped believing in you, craving you and trying to find you for you were just another fable, a make believe fairy tale. I would watch movies were people thought they found you and snicker at their ignorance, but my best friend came home the other day and she no longer had that blank look on her face, apparently she had found you. I walked past the streets and perceived love? But I shook my head for it was all an illusion.
I couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe in you. Aunt nana got married the other day and the radiant beams looked like you but it couldn’t be; the universe was surely playing a cruel joke on me.
Slowly I started forgiving you…
I forgave you for all your grievances. I forgave you for confusing me and keeping me wide awake at 3am questioning myself, for letting my best friend go through what she went through without saving her and for disappearing when I needed you the most and for the first time in a long time I felt at peace with myself.
So after that hot shower on a cold Monday morning while creaming my body, I turned the mirror and guess who I saw staring back at me. That’s right, I saw LOVE. I finally found you, silly me, I had been searching in all the wrong places for you and I seemingly forgot that you were in me, everything and everyone else. I just had to look closely at the little things taken for granted. Now that I found you, promise you won’t leave again and another thing love, can we be friends?.
Have you found love genuinely ? Please drop your experience in the comment section 💜🍇