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I WAS CLOSE TO DEATH SINCE I ASKED FOR IT

Hello! How have you been..I’m sorry I couldn’t post the last two weeks I had tests and I have been going through a lot which brought about this topic and I felt I should drop something about it

If I’m asked what the age 17 is like lol I will only say the three weeks I have spent on earth as a 17 year old is like pregnancy chronicles .

The last three weeks have been like torture and I couldn’t even figure what exactly is the cause of why I acted so cold to my self and other things .

Sometimes I just look at school and ask my self why I’m even doing my course , why I existed . School stress made it worse, tests left and right and I couldn’t even sit down to think about how to improve on my self. I became scared of the semester exams that will be written in April.

All I could picture my self as was a girl trying to survive with cookies and a bottle of coke . I would see two people in a lovey Dovey act and a thought will push me to tell them that the relationship won’t last and it’s not genuine.

I would leave classes early and go back to my hostel to cry and turn around my bed, any little thing I get paranoid about it , I even picked up fights with a few people on my WhatsApp contact list at every opportunity i get to make any little thing a big deal and they noticed but all they could do was ask what’s wrong and I would reply I’m fine but deep down in me I wasn’t.

My roommates would go out at night and that sudden anger to go to their lockers and bedside to scatter everything and pretend like I wasn’t the culprit yeah I sound like a beast but to be honest it’s not my will to think like that.

I was tired of everything and also stressed .

Anytime I look at the mirror and see my skin and physical structures I get angry with myself that why are they not increasing in size taking them as the factor why boys don’t stop me while walking down from classes.

A lot of things bored me during this period, while reading my online books the words would look like ants and it’s like they are moving out of the book, even Korean dramas became boring I would watch an episode and suddenly I will become tired which is like the opposite of me because I could finish a whole season at a sitting.

Instagram made everything worse , seeing girls on expensive wigs , clothes and other accessories with high amount of followers made me feel worse. I would see other teenage bloggers and I would get mad because they have good outlines and other things.

I couldn’t tell everything to God because most times while praying I would forget that I was going through issues because once I wake up I would feel joy in my heart but once I get back from school I would have a change in my true self.

My hormones started acting up against me anytime I remember how far I have been heart broken and If i could turn the hands of the clock to change a lot of things. My emotions were crambled up and anytime I develop Moodswings people would be like that’s how 17 year olds behave and I’m growing and I would blurt out words back at them that it’s a lie God had forsaken me .

Truth be told during this period I didn’t attend church and the fun youth Programs that were organized.

I was always feeling bitter about my family members and wished I was in another family. I consulted google and found the same similarities to what I was going through and it was DEPRESSION but I couldn’t agree to that fact all I could do was blame God and my parents.

The things that made me happy were pictures of food , listening to a particular playlist filled with Stormzy, Sean tizzle, Dremo and Chris brown.

And eating heavily, I ate anything that came my way forgetting my saving budgets, I would look at Aliexpress app on my phone and start searching for things to buy and toss them into my cart with the hope of buying all of them one day .

Food gave me joy, and anytime I leave class I would march happily to the cafeteria and buy lots of snacks, drinks and a particular meal lol I would eat everything and smile at my self with the YOLO slang in my mind. All I felt was since food is the remedy eat all you can .

A particular day while eating I just told my self funmi ask God for death and that’s all you won’t experience the pain anymore . After eating I laid on my bed and tried seizing my breath but it couldn’t work, I placed my pillow on my nose but nothing happened till I fell asleep till midnight.

I woke up with a running stomach and rushed to the toilet. I visited the toilet like five times and the stomach pain couldn’t stop. A whole tissue roll finished that time and I stayed close to the toilet until the seventh time I couldn’t take it anymore and a voice echoed in my heart I thought you asked for death this is the step to it and more to come since you don’t know your God anymore.

Hearing These words, beads of sweat formed on my body and I started crying asking God to take the pain away, I prayed in the toilet , asked for forgiveness and finally voiced out the whole situation to him.

I left the toilet to my room then laid on my bed .

I remembered the tribulations I had faced then one of my favorite bible verse came in Romans 8:27 then I slept off.

I woke up the next day feeling better and laughed at the escapades at midnight. I worked on my emotions and I felt peace since I handled them to God .

And discovered that I only needed to voice out and talk to God and receive a warm hug from anyone .

So if you are going through this , don’t ask for death , don’t over eat because they are not the solutions to it it’s a growing phase .All you need to do is pray, feel at ease, talk to someone and drink enough water trust me you feel better.

If school work is getting too much take a break, rest , cry and after crying take a cold bath pour water on your head till you feel it in your spine 😂😂😂 trust me you will feel better.

PS: My orders from Aliexpress came and I can’t wait to use them on flatlays.

Thank you for reading, don’t forget to share, like and comment if you have had such experience

Hello, welcome to the Vineyard and lets tour while I sharpen the blades of my pen through writing.

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